Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
