imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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