i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
