I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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