I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
