apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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