I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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