i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
