So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
