Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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