i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize