note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
