i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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