ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
