The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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