I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
