You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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