just come out here and I will go home with you...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
