just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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