your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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