I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
