drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
