dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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