I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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