it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
