I murdered the dance floor call the cops
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Randomize