so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize