Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize