i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
