I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
