walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
