phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
