I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
