i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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