Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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