went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
