listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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