I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
