So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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