Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize