yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
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