I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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