apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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