I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
