I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
