Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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