I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
