FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Blood and glitter go together right?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
We have started to decorate penises.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
