my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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