Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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