dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
