"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
