I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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