apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
