I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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